Jared Trail, Leighton Agnew, Jason Gregg, Dr Kirk Stevens, Shane Munro, Gavin Marshall, Josh Short, Dr Todd Keenan, Stuart Brooke, Brydon Price, Conrad Blight, Simon Watson, AJ Sutton, Thomas Rowe & Gareth Ballard.
# | Mancathlete | Time | Points |
1 | Jared Trail | 25.9 | 2 |
2 | Leighton Agnew | 22.8 | 5 |
3 | Jason Gregg | 30.7 | |
4 | Dr Kirk Stevens | 30.1 | |
5 | Shane Munro | 26.9 | 1 |
6 | Gavin Marshall | 24.1 | 4 |
7 | Josh Short | 31.6 | |
8 | Dr Todd Keenan | 31.1 | |
9 | Stuart Brooke | 28.1 | |
10 | Brydon Price | 34.1 | |
11 | Conrad Blight | 36.2 | |
12 | Simon Watson | 32.2 | |
13 | AJ Sutton | 34.2 | |
14 | Thomas Rowe | 24.9 | 3 |
15 | Gareth Ballard | 38.7 |
Simon Watson, Dr Kirk Stevens, Brydon Price, Gareth Ballard, Stuart Brooke, Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Josh Short, Conrad Blight, Shane Munro, Gavin Marshall, Jared Trail, Thomas Rowe, Dr Todd Keenan, Leighton Agnew & Wild Card Caleb Staines.
One fine day in the Western Suburbs; in a nondescript warehouse down a barren cul-de-sac past knock shops & greasy lunch bars, Fifteen Mancathletes and One Wild Card donned racing suits, hair nets and battered helmets, rubbed talcum powder on their hands, sipped from secreted bottles of Russian Sock Whiskey, visualised the sharp curves of the track, repeated inspirational mantras to themselves softly “I’m the shit…I’m the shit man!”, punched walls in the carpark, bench pressed cinder blocks or snuck off to the bathroom to “relax themselves” prior to “The Race”. The Mancathlon was long overdue for a little Motorsports action. Driving around in circles in one direction for hours at a time and ending up exactly where you started in a bizarre exercise of pointlessness may not seem like the kind of activity engaged in by a man. But hey, tell it to Steve McQueen bitches! Just don’t make him claw his way out if his buried Pontiac and fly over to New Zealand to rough you up some, ‘cos that’ll just make him angry.
# | Mancathlete | Kart # | Average Fastest Lap Speed | Placing | Mancathlon Points |
1 | Simon Watson | 7 | 47.09 | 7th | |
2 | Dr Kirk Stevens | 21 | 46.50 | 3rd | 3 |
3 | Brydon Price | 5 | 46.99 | 6th | |
4 | Gareth Ballard | 2 | 49.05 | 12th | |
5 | Stuart Brooke | 8 | 46.52 | 4th | 2 |
6 | Simon Judkins | 1 | 48.51 | 11th | |
7 | AJ Sutton | 9 | 45.72 | 2nd | 4 |
8 | Josh Short | 11 | 47.82 | 8th | |
9 | Conrad Blight | 18 | 49.57 | 14th | |
10 | Shane Munro | 8 | 49.21 | 13th | |
11 | Gavin Marshall | 11 | 48.07 | 9th | |
12 | Jared Trail | 21 | 48.22 | 10th | |
13 | Thomas Rowe | 9 | 45.23 | 1st | 5 |
14 | Dr Todd Keenan | 19 | 52.09 | 16th | |
15 | Leighton Agnew | 2 | 46.96 | 5th | 1 |
16 | Wild Card C. Staines | 5 | 49.65 | 15th |
The Mancathletes will observe the sanctity of NZ’s Labour Weekend by taking a brief intermission from the constant rigours of high-performance athleticism that The Mancathlon demands. As bruised bodies & egos heal in jacuzzis high atop palatial coastline properties, the various competitors will reflect on the savage cut & thrust in this latest season of Sports Entertainment’s Mightiest Institution. With a mere Two Events & One Bonus Round remaining until the Grand Finale there are now precious few opportunities for these men to stamp their mark on the contest, and potentially, on the Champion’s Trophy. Which of these rugged souls will have the 10-Pound Cojones required to step it up a notch in these closing stages, to truly bring the thunder and establish themselves as The Big Chief in 2008. Watch this space dear readers…
Also stay tuned for your invitation to the finest social event of the season, the Grand Finale. If you are not present for this earth-shattering, epoch-defining event, you will forever be tasting the bitter ashes of regret and the slightly salty tang of chagrin. I recommend Fanta, it kills the taste-buds at their roots and it’s a fun colour!!
Simon Judkins, Conrad Blight, Gavin Marshall, Thomas Rowe, Leighton Agnew, Brydon Price, Jared Trail, Rodney MacFarlane, Josh Short, Stu Beef, AJ Sutton & Gareth Ballard.
As storm clouds gathered ominously over Manukau Harbour and the industrial pylons buzzed & crackled menacingly above the desolate suburban park, a dozen brave and foolhardy Mancathletes gathered to do battle in a modern interpretation of the classic sport of knights – Jousting. On HMX-500’s. Yep, that’s Aquila Non Capit Muscas Suckers!!
Tensions were high, each contestant secretly wondered what pain awaited him. The organisers nervously hoped that the many safety precautions would suffice – or would Judkins’ event prove potentially lethal for a second year running!? Manpride girthed them, testosterone steeled their resolve. Carnage ensued.
TIMES | ||
Leighton Agnew | 7’30” | 5 Points |
Brydon Price | 8’26” | 4 Points |
Conrad Blight | 9’59” | 3 Points |
Gavin Marshall | 11’01” | 2 Points |
Jason Gregg | 11’08” | 1 Points |
Jared Trail | 11’33” | |
Thomas Rowe | 12’52” | |
Simon Judkins | 16’48” | |
AJ Sutton | 25’23” | |
Dr Todd Keenan | 26’36” | |
Josh Short | 35’43” | |
Gareth Ballard | 36’04” | |
Duncan Reynolds | D.N.F. | |
Dr Kirk Stevens | D.N.F. |
Aquila Non Capit Muscas. Four words that have come to define all that is right & true about The Mancathlon. Determination, confidence, the spirit of competition, camaraderie & good humour. And of course, man-sized servings of hyperbole, embellishment, trash talking & shootin’ the dozens. This motto is forever emblazoned on the Mancathlon Trophy and burns brightly in the heart of every Mancathlete past & present, it is their mantra, their battle cry; their shibboleth, their brand, the big shiny superbowl ring that identifies them as one who was there and who fought alongside their friends for glory in The Majestic Contest.
“Aquila Non Capit Muscas” – The Eagle Does Not Hunt Flies.
Daaaaamn skippy.
Stu Beef took to the starting blocks with the hefty weight of reigning assault course champion on his shoulders and with so far no points to his name surely eyed this event as the start of his infamous late charge to the title. Storming onto the course he failed to respect the perils of the first hurdle which took punishment on his face slitting open his eyebrow. Any pain was dumbed by the devotion to points, Stu failing to notice the trail of blood streaming John Rambo styles down his face, as he demolished the rest of the course setting a daunting sub 3minute time of 2min48sec. For the first time this year having a trained expert on hand in protection of manly stupidity proved its worth as our instructor patched Stu’s broken face.
Shane, with a recent marathon to his name, surely stood a good chance of assaulting the points ladder on this event. This condensed blast of agility proved a different beast from such a feat of stamina, the wall obliterating his hopes of a point scoring run as he dragged himself home in a disappointing time of 4min 49sec.
Proving a formidable new entrant in ’08 Tom Rowe strode to the starting fence quietly confident, with an obvious height advantage and an infamy for spontaneous exercise, could he avoid that perilous first post and kick Stu from his perch. With a second shaving dive down the high net crawl and an arrogant hurdling of the wall Tom pissed all over the course record with ease, barely puffing after a 2min38sec effort.
The two doctors, having proved they’re not that kind of doctor, in the face of Stu’s split face were looking to salvage their reputations with glory on the course. Kirk was hardly helped however with the least energizing soundtrack possible, the somber tones of Platoon suggesting a run to horrific death as he battled though the course laying down a 3min24sec time.
Todd was obviously triumphant over a near crippling fear of dirt as he tackled the obstacles with a stern commitment to avoiding every last remaining pool of stench. The ‘go through it without putting your feet down’ nearly put paid to this but uniquely he held himself aloft the stinking puddle of pig shit to return home spotless with 3min27sec under his belt.
It was about now that no one could any longer be bothered taunting or supporting fellow Mancathletes as they trawled round the course, myself included. Leighton took to his lonely vigil, a man confident from last years near top finish. Once again the course proved a feeble test of his assault course prowess, hardly needing the rope to jump the second obstacle and back over the finish fence before I’d even finished writing his name. 2min46sec his prize.
Short in stature but huge in commitment Josh was our Veteran Mancathlete Guest Star, attending purely to remind us how it’s done. Hurtling through the first obstacle it was a callous disregard for the seemingly easy rope swing that cost Josh a place in the points. Scrabbling over the wall kicking it into submission he still managed a respectable time of 3min 17sec.
Gavin never looked too keen on this event a Mancathlete big on brawn short on stamina. After attempting a through the wall strategy to no avail he staggered through the tyres and over the final fence to collapse in a world of pain with 4min40sec behind him.
Up next AJ quite validly considered himself a favourite in this event. Setting a blistering pace through the early stages a good time was on the cards, a maverick approach to the rope climb was to prove his unwitting undoing. Turning up late and then fucking around when he got there meant he never heard the law laid down “ no walking across the top cos you’ll likely cane out, break your neck and cost me my job. So just fuckin’ don’t!!”. Assembled Mancathletes at the start line decided on a 5 second compensatory time penalty (our guide sharing the same opinion) and what was a 2min45sec time became 2min50. That 5 seconds costing AJ two spots on the leader board but accepted with a spirit that could only reside in the Mancathlon.
Who was this coke pushing fiend Coop lining up for a guest shot at Mancathlon glory, a damn fast bastard that’s who. Reducing the pain of all those gone before to a cake walk time of 2min35sec there was relief to be felt that this guy was a day only ringer. First place was surely his. Or was it???…..Well yeah it was as Gareth joined the ranks of the middle masses with a time of 3min28seconds.
And so it was a Mancathlon FOB that won the day without the rigors of four events behind him. Don’t think he gets points but, will leave Con to sort out the results…
ASSAULT COURSE TIMES
Jason | 6:37 | |
Brydon | 3:45 | |
Stu | 2.48 | 3rd Place |
Shane | 4:49 | |
Thomas | 2:38 | 1st Place |
Kirk | 3:24 | 5th Place |
Todd | 3:27 | |
Leighton | 2:46 | 2nd Place |
Josh | 3:17 | |
Gavin | 4:40 | |
AJ | 2:50 | 4th Place |
Coop | 2:35 | |
Gareth | 3:28 |
Duncan Reynolds | 3 | |
Rodney Bueller | 6 | |
Jared Trail | 3 | |
AJ Sutton | 3 | |
Brydon Price | 8 | 4th – 2 Points |
Reg Watson | 7 | |
Dr Todd Keenan | 7 | |
Conrad Blight | 9 | 3rd – 3 Points (After Playoff) |
Dr Kirk Stevens | 7 | 5th – 1 Point (After Playoff) |
Thomas Rowe | 7 | |
Shane Munro | 4 | |
Gavin Marshall | 4.5 | |
Phillip Guthrie | 10 | 1st – 5 Points |
Leighton Agnew | 6 | |
Simon Judkins | 9 | 2nd – 4 Points (After Playoff) |
Stuart Brooke | 6.5 |
KOOK. Lets do the last half of the course all over again then shall we just for fun.
Stumbling out onto the road at the finish with hardly a single brain cell working due to exhaustion and wondering why the finish wasn’t in front of me and what all those people were doing standing 100m to my left. Then my brian reactivated and i realised those people standing over to my left were actually at the finishline.
So with the satisfaction of completion out the way it was time to bail home for a corona and a hot tub, all in all a fucken great day and a dam nasty way to get rid of the flu.
Conrad Blight | 57:41 | 5 Points | |
Leighton Agnew | 1:03:00 | 4 Points | |
Thomas Rowe | 1:07:00 | 3 Points | |
Brydon Price | 1:10:00 | 2 Points | |
Jared Trail | 1:19:00 | 1 Point | |
Reg Watson | 1:27:00 | ||
Shane Munro | 2:10:00 | ||
Stuart Brooke | 2:15:00 | ||
Gareth Ballard | 2:22:00 | ||
AJ Sutton | 2:24:00 | ||
Dr Kirk Stevens | D.N.F. | ||
Steve Carver | D.N.F. | ||
Phillip Guthrie | D.N.F. |
Every man is a potential Mancathlete. Can you throw stuff? Can you run in a straight line? Can you drink a couple beers and trash-talk? Can you get up on a stage and belt out a soft rock classic? Sure, hey, we all can. But only a select few men have within them the potentiality to become something more than the average Mancathlete. Only a select few have that bright fire burning within their chest, that hunger for more, that drive and lust to be the greatest. And when a man claws his way to the top of the heap, against a field of worthy opponents and through a series of manful challenges that encompass speed, strength, wit and creativity then that man earns the right to call himself…The Big Chief.
This Weeks Special Guest Report as filed by 1 Time Mancathlete, Videographer to the Stars & Black Belt in Sexual Yoga, Mr Caleb Staines.
The Second Event of the 2008 Mancathlon – “Shootin’” – was held on Saturday afternoon and was attended by the following Mancathletes:
Stuart Brooke, Simon Judkins, Leighton Agnew, Jared Trail, AJ Sutton, Gavin Marshall, Rodney Macfarlane, Randall Potter, Gareth Ballard, Phillip Guthrie, Brydon Price, Duncan Reynolds, Dr Kirk Stevens, Dr Todd Keenan & Thomas Rowe.
When I gained entrance to the outer rooms of the gun club I was struck with how subdued was the atmosphere among the assembled Mancathletes. Naturally, my first thought was that I had just interrupted a conversation about me and my failings as a person. Those two old friends, anger and self-hatred, boiled up in me and I felt my face flush. Fortunately I remembered Father’s advice to me as a young boy and I balled up all those seething emotions and pushed them down into my gut where no one could see them. As I surveyed the room though, seeing none of the usual guilty faces and averted eyes, I began to ponder other possible explanations for the strange mood in the room. Was the presence of the newbloods casting doubt into the usually steady hearts of the stalwarts? Was the absence of Senor Juarez’s guiding hand causing feelings of panic and abandonment, much like the time I wandered off at the 1985 A & P Show at the Hastings Showgrounds and spent a terrifying three hours in a small concrete room beneath the main stands being minded by an old woman so engrossed in knitting a clumpy orange V-neck jumper that she ignored all of my questions about the whereabouts of my parents and what efforts where being made to locate them and but eventually they turned up, Mother hopelessly drunk on complementary cask Chardonnay from the Wrightson’s tent and Father furious, threatening to thrash me with the fibreglass cattleprod he’d bought me to stop me begging to go and see the Angora rabbits. Or was it the heavy smell of cordite in the still air of that underground shooting bunker that unnerved me so?
Trail was all business, filling out forms and doggedly trying to convince the Range Officer to allow the use of the NightForce 8-32x56mm NXS Illuminated Reticle Riflescope which he’d brought along specially. And then it dawned on me. What was missing was that staple of the Mancathlon – smack-talking. Evidently no one wanted to spark off anyone else’s inner OJ with a cruel jibe concerning sexual prowess or athletic abilities when very soon every man in the room would have access to bona-fide firearms. It was clear that this competition would have to be won with steady nerves and a keen eye.
The competitors were admitted to the shooting range proper and the Range Officer gave a briefing on the use of the weapons. It was apparent that some Mancathletes had experience on their side – some were hunters since childhood while others claimed implausibly to have been in the British Infantry. Others were, to me at least, unknowns. Was Ballard a member of the New Zealand Biathlon team? Was the towering Rowe a secret member of the SAS? In fact, where was Rowe? Had he been called away to deal with some impending terrorist threat, sacrificing precious Man-points to defend his country? No, it turned out – he had locked himself in the toilet. I gave up my predictions.
The Mancathletes were divided into two Details and each stepped up to fire their ten practice rounds at the targets twenty-five metres away. Macfarlane looked like a man to watch, while Brydon probably hoped no one was watching him as he failed to hit the black inner target at all. Then the first Detail stepped up to shoot their forty competition rounds. Reynolds quickly abandoned the low elbow-propped stance favoured by most in favour of standing bolt upright. Sutton was quick and confident giving him time to examine the technique of others at the end of each set of ten rounds. The Big Chief and Rowe on the other hand took their own sweet time, still hunched meditatively over their weapons long after the other members of the detail had made their rifles safe.
The second Detail took their positions and began their efforts. I was a non-competing member of the second Detail and was too absorbed in my own shooting to notice any details of this portion of the competition, although I do remember glancing at Guthrie two bays away and wondering how much tantric yoga you have to do to twist yourself up like that without serious pain. And out of the corner of my eye I could sense Rowe & Marshall roaming in circles around the room with faraway gazes in their eyes, muttering “Disco Disco” repeatedly under their breath and absentmindedly moving their hips to some unheard rhythm.
And suddenly. It was over. The Mancathletes waited patiently for the scores to be tabulated by the Range Officer while Stu Beef did pressups in the parking lot. Here’s how it all panned out dear Ladies & Gentlemen, with sweet, sweet Victory for some and bitter defeat for others, but such is the Nature of the Game…
Phillip Guthrie – 5 points (371 out of a possible 400)
Gavin Marshall – 4 points (368)
Dr Kirk Stevens – 3 points (358)
Dr Todd Keenan – 2 points (351)
Rodney Macfarlane – 1 points (349)
POINTS TABLE [After Two Events]
Keenan (6)
Guthrie (5)
Trail (5)
Marshall (4)
Stevens (3)
Price (2.5)
Watson (2.5)
MacFarlane (1)
Judkins (1)
Brooke (0)
Munro (0)
Agnew (0)
Blight (0)
Reynolds (0)
Sutton (0)
Rowe (0)
Ballard (0)
Gregg (0)
Potter (0)
The Mancathlon 2008 A.G.M. & Opening Ceremony was held on a Saturday afternoon beneath the stately pacific arches of The Mancathlon Fale and was attended by the following Old-School sonsabitches:
Leighton Agnew, Rodney MacFarlane, Brydon Price, AJ Sutton, Stuart Brooke, Duncan Reynolds, Conrad Blight & Simon Judkins.
For just a couple of hours on a wintry Auckland afternoon the dark clouds loosened their onanistic grip on the skies and allowed a few shafts of watery sunlight to illuminate the sacred grounds of The Mancathlon Meeting House. A group of Veteran Mancathletes had gathered therein to debate in spirited but fraternal terms the future of this Mighty Contest. Would the 2008 Season see the debut of such choice manly events as Ninja Stars vs Nunchukas, Midget Tossing, Getting Chased by a Police Dog, Launching Flaming Arrows into Tanks of Diesel or The John Matrix Memorial Log Carrying Classic? Or would 2008 finally see the introduction of the much maligned Graham-mooted Poetry Event, or the soft and sensitive Life Drawing, indeed, perhaps Scone Baking and Embroidery would fit more closely the agenda of these aging Warriors? But no they said, No and no again! Once more The Mancathlon would be designed to test “The Full Spectrum of Manliness”, encompassing all the Speed, Strength, Intelligence, Creativity and Guts under Pressure that define a True Big Chief. And so over several delicious, muddy cups of Kava they hammered out a New Season that would be a test of a man, that would force Mancathletes old and new to look deep within themselves and behold either the soft, cuddly lambswool of failure or the Pure, Cold Steel of VICTORY!
And so, without further circumlocutory ado, let me introduce you the public to the awesome, pulsating majesty of the 2008 Mancathlon Season…
Event 1 – Ghetto Dice
Event 2 – Shootin’
Event 3 – Orientearassing
Event 4 – Masterbrain Phase II
Event 5 – Assault Course
Event 6 – Creation of Fire
Event 7 – Bicycle Joust
Event 8 – The Race
Event 9 – Pulling A Truck
Event 10 – Karaoke Grand Finale
Bonus Round – Beer Brewing