Event 9: The Truck Pull

The Ninth Event of the 2008 Mancathlon – “The Truck Pull” – was held at ASB Showgrounds on Sunday 9th November and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Jared Trail, Leighton Agnew, Jason Gregg, Dr Kirk Stevens, Shane Munro, Gavin Marshall, Josh Short, Dr Todd Keenan, Stuart Brooke, Brydon Price, Conrad Blight, Simon Watson, AJ Sutton, Thomas Rowe & Gareth Ballard. 

What do you get when you combine 2.5 tonnes of 1979 Chevrolet Scottsdale Pick-Up Truck loaded with 20 car tyres with 40 metres of carpark and huge amounts of manpride in the late stages of the Mancathlon ’08? You my friend have got yourself a recipe for one of the purest contests of masculinity yet seen in This Majestic Competition. And that’s exactly how it went down in Greenlane on a really, really ridiculously good looking day, with the sun beating down and random punters from the Tent Show looking on in disbelief. Big Marty Clist was on hand to rig strops to the front axle of this powerful machine which would then be a hooked to a harness that would be worn by each Mancathlete as he attempted to drag this American beast across the burning asphalt & over the finish line. 
Jared Trail had come roaring into the parking lot, his brand new 1500 CC Hog tearing fissures in the atmosphere & causing small worm holes to eddy around the carpark sucking trash & road cones into them. Weighing in at 150 kgs, 7 feet tall & covered in tattoos, Trail was clearly the event favourite for the Truck Pull bar one thing, the Randomizer. How many times had Mancathletes cursed this august institution, which the Events Committee used to ensure the general disadvantage of going first was shared around amongst the field? Trail had psyched himself out about it, undermining his own potency, telling himself that his time would not hold over 14 other pulls as other competitors chased his early benchmark. Then Marty called it, the pull was on, Trail heaved into action, straining against the strops. For a second, nothing at all. And then slowly, the truck began to roll forward. The Beast kept straining against his leash, dragging himself determinedly toward the finish line in kind of a Baywatch slow-mo until finally he was there, crossing the line in 25.9 secs, chest heaving with exertion, face pained and his entire head glowing bright red. 
Next up on the block, Leighton Agnew. A powerful competitor in 2008, Agnew had proven himself adept & extraordinarily focused across a wide spectrum of events. Now at Event #9 and at the head of the pack points-wise he could almost taste the cold domestic lager in that giant Big Chief Trophy at the Grand Finale. But he would have to earn it by God and at this point The Mancathlon was still anyone’s game with a host of hungry competitors breathing down his neck. Well maybe not Munnas & Gary’s game, but Rowe & Judkins were looking dangerous & the Big Chief Stu Beef could never be discounted. Leights strapped himself in, strolled confidently to the start line, crouched in a sprinter’s posture and then… erupted in an incredible display of power & speed, swiftly getting a roll on and then proceeding to drag the Chevy at a real good clip, straining forward & hot stepping his way across the finish line in 22.8 secs. Cot Damn!!
Jason Gregg, the big Canadian with a big heart, but would he have the big balls required drag this sumbitch across the line? Jase came off the starting blocks like a maniac & did not stop; he was screaming wildly, body all askance on one side, a look of pure, focused insanity stapled to his eyeballs. It was an awesome sight to behold & got him over the top in just over 30 secs. Dr Kirk was next, concerned that his stature (or lack thereof) would place him at a disadvantage, he needn’t have worried. The Animal that won “Enormous By Easter” was back and grinding hard across the asphalt carpark crossing over at just a hair past 30 secs in very respectable form. Kirk was followed by a couple more of the big guns of Event 9 with Munro & Marshall stepping up to the plate. Both men exhibited extremely powerful pulls, tugging hard across the point of no return to highly explosive finishes, a look of pure satisfaction etched upon their exhausted faces. This was truly tug-artistry of the highest calibre. 
Short & Keenan both placed respectable times in the early 30’s, with Short’s “Battlecry!” and Keenan’s quiet intensity showing some of the various mental techniques employed by Mancathletes to maintain peak optimal focus. Next up, Stu Beef, the reigning Big Chief & physical juggernaut. Stu was determined to come hard in this event but a slow start could not be overcome by a powerful second half and at 28.1 secs, points were looking anything but secure for Beef. Meanwhile Brydon Price was suiting up, getting ready for his pull. The wily journeyman had rebounded from a savage loss in the ’07 Season to become one of the success stories of ’08, the durries had been ditched, the gym had become his second home and now he was to put a little of that new found power into this rough & tumble event. Price had an interesting technique, arms stayed hanging prone in front of him while he steady powered down the course with his legs alone, but that consistency paid dividends for the man who would cross the line in a very respectable 34.1 secs. Next up was Rico. Would Blight’s height confer on him a similar advantage to the lofty Agnew? In a word, no. He struggled hopelessly at the opening of his pull, spending a full 5 seconds getting any movement at all from the big truck, yes, he was clearly lacking the fire in his loins, possibly from a surfeit of soy products in his diet. Once he got the f*cker up to speed he had good technique on the run but it just wasn’t enough, he crossed the line in 36.2 secs wailing and gnashing his teeth in regret. 
Reg Watson had observed the prevailing technique of going forwards and decided that it just wasn’t for him. He was gonna go backwards. Reg flipped the script on the whole event by turning around and slowly, consistently dragging the truck backwards in a tug-of-war style. Would this be the innovation that would catapult him to greatness in Event 9? No, it would not. But it enabled the canny battler to put up a decent mid-range time at 32.2 secs. The next man on was 3 year-veteran AJ Sutton. AJ was going to use the physical conditioning acquired by countless hours of athletic lovemaking to his full advantage in this event. But something happened on the way to Mancathlon gold, Sutton just wasn’t able to keep that big truck moving like he needed to and he crossed the line with a somewhat flaccid 34.2 seconds. Thom Rowe stepped up next to show us how a real man pulls a truck. One of the few Mancathletes to work outdoors in a physical job Rowe was looking good to take away a few points in this one. And take ’em he did, throwing up a real solid time of 24.9 secs & rushing himself into 3rd place just behind Marshall & Agnew. 
One last Mancathlete stepped up & strapped in. Gareth Ballard. The stakes were high for Gary, as both he and Shane knew all too well. Both men were sitting on a big, round zero down at the bad end of the Mancathlon Points Table & were in very real danger of taking out the “I Lost The Mancathlon ’08” Trophy. Munro’s pull of 26.9 seconds had him currently in 5th place and with the one sweet, sweet Mancathlon Point that would accompany this placing. Gary looked focused. Gary looked angry. But Gary took 38.7 seconds to cross the line as he shifted through a veritable kama sutra of different truck-dragging techniques, and that just was not gonna do it. Munro whipped out some cardboard & did a celebratory backspin, points on the board baby! Points on the board…
Thanks are due Hayden & Lisa for sitting inside the hot, steamy Scottsdale as it was dragged back & forth across the lot, and to the blokes from ASB Showground for letting us use the location. Extra Special Thanks are due to Marty for his rigging equipment, professional expertise & je ne sais quoi and to Alistair who lives down the block from me & was amenable when a total stranger rocked up to borrow his Chevy for a Truck Pulling Competition, awesome. 


# Mancathlete Time Points
1 Jared Trail 25.9 2
2 Leighton Agnew 22.8 5
3 Jason Gregg 30.7  
4 Dr Kirk Stevens 30.1  
5 Shane Munro 26.9 1
6 Gavin Marshall 24.1 4
7 Josh Short 31.6  
8 Dr Todd Keenan 31.1  
9 Stuart Brooke 28.1  
10 Brydon Price 34.1  
11 Conrad Blight 36.2  
12 Simon Watson 32.2  
13 AJ Sutton 34.2  
14 Thomas Rowe 24.9 3
15 Gareth Ballard 38.7  
Agnew (19)
Rowe (16)
Trail (11)
Blight (11)
Price (10.5)
Marshall (10)
Judkins (10)
Guthrie (10)
Stevens (8)
Sutton (6)
Brooke (6)
Keenan (6)
Short (4)
MacFarlane (3)
Watson (2.5)
Munro (1)
Gregg (1)
Reynolds (0)
Ballard (0)
The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 9:
Rodney MacFarlane, Duncan Reynolds, Simon Judkins & Phillip “In Absentia” Guthrie.


Le Beef


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