Event 7: Bicycle Jousting

Event 7 Report Co-Authored by 3-year Veteran Mancathlete, Mancathlon Co-Founder and Animal Psychologist Mr Simon Judkins. 
The Seventh Event of the 2008 Mancathlon – “Bicycle Jousting” – was held in a Desolate Suburban Park on Saturday 18th October and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Simon Judkins, Conrad Blight, Gavin Marshall, Thomas Rowe, Leighton Agnew, Brydon Price, Jared Trail, Rodney MacFarlane, Josh Short, Stu Beef, AJ Sutton & Gareth Ballard. 

As storm clouds gathered ominously over Manukau Harbour and the industrial pylons buzzed & crackled menacingly above the desolate suburban park, a dozen brave and foolhardy Mancathletes gathered to do battle in a modern interpretation of the classic sport of knights – Jousting. On HMX-500’s. Yep, that’s Aquila Non Capit Muscas Suckers!! 

Tensions were high, each contestant secretly wondered what pain awaited him. The organisers nervously hoped that the many safety precautions would suffice – or would Judkins’ event prove potentially lethal for a second year running!? Manpride girthed them, testosterone steeled their resolve. Carnage ensued.

Soon the steady hum of the neighbouring motorway was eclipsed by the savage crunch of primeval combat. Barely padded lances thudded into makeshift armour. Sternums imploded with sickening crunches. Gasps and groans emanated from the crowd of nervous W.A.G’s and waiting competitors as bloody mayhem unfolded. First up saw the sages of the Mancathlon go head to head, as old mates vented years of bilious tension…
Judkins vs Blight
Both nervous at the inside knowledge of the flimsiness of the armour, the solidity of the weaponry and the unknown quantity that this event promised to uncover, their nervousness was tempered by their keenness to ensure the event’s success. Thwack! Crunch! Oomph! Pizzazz! And it was under way. After some controversial adjustments to the rules and scoring, the addition of assisted propulsion….would a clear winner emerge? A sudden death tiebreaker was decided upon by chivalrous agreement. The closely fought battle saw Judkins declared the winner by a hook-ed nose. Blight swallowed his seething manpride in a display of humble chivalry & accepted the verdict of his peers, vowing to make good use of the repercharge.
Gavin vs Thom (The Battle of the Titans)
After enduring countless taunts from Judkins (amongst others) about issues of physiological impossibility, Gavin proved his critics wrong by sliding his impressive jaw into the XL motorcycle helmet. The two big men soon upped the ante, repeatedly slamming into one another at top speed, casting aside their friendship in a frenzied battle for Precious Mancathlon Points. Both ended up flat on their backs after being rocked completely from their mounts in a massive opening salvo; the force of the impact echoing around the canyons of Onehunga, shattering grilled windows and causing junk yard dogs to tear their chains asunder & run through the streets attacking cars. After three parries, Thom was vanquished and Gav emerged victorious (and audibly relieved to have sustained no injury).
Leighton vs Brydon
Despite the clear size difference between the two combatants, Brydon soon proved that you should NEVER underestimate the nuggety journeyman from Glenfield. With steely calmness and expert technique, he parried lofty Leighton’s blows and landed the killer shots, all the while maintaining his control. After a close fought round, Brydon put past humiliations behind him (“I Lost The Mancathlon ’07”) and emerged the victor for the first of many upsets of the day.
Jared vs Rodders
Rodders nervousness showed as bullet sized beads of perspiration erupted across his soft forehead. He faced The Beast from the Nor’ East down the narrow lanes. Adrenalin surged through his veins like Mentos & Diet Coke. He came to do the business, prepared for carnage with his own private nurse (specialising in blood no less). Smack! An almighty collision. As the dust cleared and people dared to look, they encountered Trail lying in the muck, big arms tracing vague circles through the air like a huge concussed turtle. The return parry saw venom in each of their eyes as a cocky Rodders screamed “Take that you biiiarch!”. After three runs another stunning upset saw Rodders advance to the winners pool, and a bitter & humbled Trail left to take his chances with the also rans.
Josh vs Beef
Fresh from his gritty result in the assault course and pumped to make a late run in Mancathlon ’08, the compact terrier Short took on Reigning Top Dog, the Big Chief Stu Beef – supremely confident and smarting from a paucity of points in ’08. The jabs were stiff and purposeful, the thuds increasingly desperate. The hits smarted with savagery. When all was done the gritty Short could not contain his excitement with some well earned & exuberant celebrations as he laid down some cardboard and launched into a few backspins while Run DMC pumped from a stolen car stereo hooked up to some torch batteries. Stu was relegated to duke it out in the pit with the underlings of the repercharge.
AJ vs Gareth
The two baby faced assassins faced off. AJ, utterly sapped of his precious bodily fluids after a gymnastic all-night lovemaking session, dug deep to produce some epic hits. Gareth had no answer. It was over mercifully quickly. AJ lived to fight another day, Buddha Ballard discarded to the scrapheap to lick his wounds and regroup; the hideous spectre of the Losers Trophy haunting his dreams nightly as he awoke screaming, drenched in sweat & clutching his favourite copy of Penthouse Forum from the late 90’s. 
The vagaries of odd numbers and tournament draws saw the need for a complex series of repercharges that had the gathered Mancathletes clutching their monkey skulls in pain as the stink of sizzling brain cells filled the air; but which nonetheless gifted the Losers a second chance to make good on their big talk. Smarting wounds and angry pride provided the impetus for some blood curdling sudden death encounters, far too many to recount individually but with special mention to the spectacular bending of Trail’s pole just prior to Agnew being flung through the air like a ragdoll toyed with by the cruel god Physics. When the battle ground cleared, Stu Beef, Jared Trail and Blight emerged victorious, with Stu and Jared advancing on points.
In the tournament proper…
The Second Round unfolded:
Gavin vs Judkins (“The Grudge in the Sludge”)
The sledging had worn thin. Gavin relished the opportunity to wipe the smirk off his cruel tormentor’s face and teach that upstart a thing or two, or at least hurt him good. Judkins needed a nervous poo. He availed himself of his trousers for that dark purpose. Marshall steeled his weighty chin, narrowed his eyes & tried to ignore the fetidness that was wafting across the battlefield. “The Grudge in the Sludge” unfolded with some massively meaty blows. But to everyone’s surprise it was the thin-lipped Judkins who emerged victorious, managing to win back his opponents respect and burying the hatchet…..for now!
Brydon vs Rodders
The duel of the underdogs saw a closely contested but increasingly brutal round as Rodders “High-Shot” MacFarlane proceeded to make Price’s skull dance inside its casing with several illegal but strategic shots to the helmet. Rodders advanced, his innocent eyes betraying none of the savage instinct that lurked within, but those that looked down at his gnarled hands witnessed them shaking & flexing at the prospect of the next violent encounter as he ran into the bushes & attacked a squirrel. 
Stu vs Jared
Jared just nudged it. Pow pow!
AJ vs Josh
As these two warriors were launched off the starting pads by their pushers they soared down the battle lanes, their HMX-500’s suddenly as light as air, hurtling toward each other at incredible speed like laser beams across a futuristic Tron-like grid. Each Mancathlete steeled himself for the huge impact ahead, their jaws flexing with powerful muscularity, their vision honed to radiant clarity as time slowed & stretched out along an infinite horizon toward an uncertain future. And in that moment between moments each man turned his gaze inwards, thinking of everything that he was and was yet to become, every glorious victory that he had relished, every profound failure that had endured, the friends, the lovers, the friends that became lovers, the big girls that should’ve stayed friends, the memories that comprised their sum experience on earth, the piquancy of life that in combat becomes so precious, yes, all this and more flooded through the thick-boned craniums of these mighty athletes. Until suddenly, their enemy was upon them, their flared nostrils and dark, angry eyes mere feet from them now. They brought their jousting sticks to bear, forcing them through the slow air until they aligned with their opponent’s chest. Short cried out an angry battle call as he smashed his lance into Sutton, Sutton crumpled as his world exploded into pain, Short held steady his HMX as massive waves of energy rippled through his body, Sutton was flung backwards, turning over and over as he cartwheeled through the air, Short whipped out the cardboard & proceeded to celebrate, Sutton’s body landed in a Hillsborough intersection, skidding and bouncing on the pavement, Short pumped his fists in victory, Sutton raised a broken, shaking thumb in kinship, acknowledging a fine victory.
Brydon vs Stu (5 placed play off)
A brutal, cold and calculated encounter, which saw Stu turn in a masterful display of ruthlessness. Stu heeded Judkins’ words of subtle technique (“Just f*cking smash him off his mount real hard”). Everyone was grateful that a fourth encounter wasn’t needed (“just stay down bro”)
Jared vs Rodders
Rodders MacFarlane tried to find a kink in the armour of his powerful opponent. He tried valiantly. He tried repeatedly. After 5 rounds each man was matched blow for blow, absolutely even. It was the brave Rodder’s cunning & guile vs the unyielding physical mass of the Beast. In the end Rodders was unable to find that one strategy that would break through and Trail knocked him from his steed. As Rodders cried discreetly into a cold domestic lager, Trail laughed loud & deeply and sacrificed a goat.
Josh vs Simon
Simon beat Josh.
Special thanks to Christie & Allen for kindly loaning us the body armour that shielded our vital organs from the brutal onslaught. Thanks to Gordon from Plastic Systems for providing the brutal onslaught.
5 Judkins (For the first time in 3 years Judkins takes out an event! Baaammmm!! )
4 Josh (Announces his intentions for the latter half of the comp.)
3 J. Trail (Grasps those sweet points in his sweaty, spade-like hands)
2 El Rodders (Throws up a deuce)
1 Stu (SMASHED Price)
Agnew (13)
Blight (11)
Price (10.5)
Judkins (10)
Guthrie (10)
Trail (9)
Rowe (8)
Marshall (6)
Keenan (6)
Stevens (5)
Short (4)
Brooke (4)
MacFarlane (3)
Watson (2.5)
Sutton (2)
Gregg (1)
Munro (0)
Reynolds (0)
Ballard (0)
The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 7:
Shane Munro, Duncan Reynolds, Dr Kirk Stevens, Dr Todd Keenan, Jason Gregg, Simon Watson & Phillip “Flavio” Guthrie
In other news:
Randall Potter has withdrawn his bid for the 2008 Mancathlon citing work, relationship & study obligations, as well as a commitment to bring reasonably priced Steven Seagal movies to the Third World through DVD’s made of recycled Fanta bottles and Salt & Vinegar chip packets. 


Uppercut of Beef

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