Event 5: Assault Course Redux

This Week Only, A Special Guest Report by 3 Time Mancathlete, Ex-World Champion Barista & Sexual Gymnast Mr Brydon Price.
The Fifth Event of the 2008 Mancathlon – “Assault Course Redux” – was held at Camp Adair, Hunua Sat 4th October and attended by the following Mancathletes:
AJ Sutton, Brydon Price, Reg Watson, Dr Todd Keenan, Dr Kirk Stevens, Thomas Rowe, Shane Munro, Gavin Marshall, Leighton Agnew, Stuart Brooke, Jason Gregg. And for one day only…’07 Veteran Josh Short and The Wild Card Coop
Saturday morning saw returning Mancathletes awake with a hearty anticipation for a repeat dose of the torturous mudbath that was assault course ‘07 and new bloods quaking from its oft told legacy. Whether through lack of motivation, given his non participation, or merely the unfortunate intrusion of life outside Mancathlon, it was again the wilds of the Hunua ranges where Herr Rico would see us test our respective metal. Camp Adair is however bloody miles away from the modern Mancathletes comfortable retreat in the inner burbs of the city. This saw arrivals spread and one Mancathlete later dealt a cruel penalty.
There was a fair mixture of disappointment and relief as we toured the course with the instructor, finding one dry obstacle after another. Where was the promised lakes of maggot ridden mud??? Things were looking downright unmanly not carrying ones own body weight round the course in saturating filth. Consolation was to be had however in the genius ’08 addition of a soundtrack to our efforts. It would be to the booming sounds of gunfire and inspiring military anthems of the Vietnam war that each Mancathlete would haul ass around the course, that whilst dry, still contained that bastard wall.
Big J, the Canadian Colossus was first on the course hurling himself through the unders and overs at a speed defying his frame. This man had a point to prove and a bar to set. The 1st half of the course was made to look a feeble test but as J scrambled over the high net climb, the next up wall was already mocking his stamina, had he gone to hard too soon? Well maybe so as 3 attempts at scaling the damn thing cost Big J his chance at some elusive points. 6min30sec a fair time but eminently beatable.
Mancathlete Price took to the track with a steely determination to avenge what was truly a piss poor effort the previous year scrabbling at the wall like a little girl. With a frame well suited to the initial ground obstacles and lungs less pasted with tar, it looked a new Price on course this year, his wooden nemesis overhauled first time and suitably sworn at like the bitch it was. Resolve unfortunately fell away to fitness in the final stages but he was pretty stoked at a brief new best of 3min45sec.

Stu Beef took to the starting blocks with the hefty weight of reigning assault course champion on his shoulders and with so far no points to his name surely eyed this event as the start of his infamous late charge to the title. Storming onto the course he failed to respect the perils of the first hurdle which took punishment on his face slitting open his eyebrow. Any pain was dumbed by the devotion to points, Stu failing to notice the trail of blood streaming John Rambo styles down his face, as he demolished  the rest of the course setting a daunting sub 3minute time of 2min48sec. For the first time this year having a trained expert on hand in protection of manly stupidity proved its worth as our instructor patched Stu’s broken face.

Shane, with a recent marathon to his name, surely stood a good chance of assaulting the points ladder on this event. This condensed blast of agility proved a different beast from such a feat of stamina, the wall obliterating his hopes of a point scoring run as he dragged himself home in a disappointing time of 4min 49sec.

Proving a formidable new entrant in ’08 Tom Rowe strode to the starting fence quietly confident, with an obvious height advantage and an infamy for spontaneous exercise, could he avoid that perilous first post and kick Stu from his perch. With a second shaving dive down the high net crawl and an arrogant hurdling of the wall Tom pissed all over the course record with ease, barely puffing after a 2min38sec effort.

The two doctors, having proved they’re not that kind of doctor, in the face of Stu’s split face were looking to salvage their reputations with glory on the course. Kirk was hardly helped however with the least energizing soundtrack possible, the somber tones of Platoon suggesting a run to horrific death as he battled though the course laying down a 3min24sec time.

Todd was obviously triumphant over a near crippling fear of dirt as he tackled the obstacles with a stern commitment to avoiding every last remaining pool of stench. The ‘go through it without putting your feet down’ nearly put paid to this but uniquely he held himself aloft the stinking puddle of pig shit to return home spotless with 3min27sec under his belt.

It was about now that no one could any longer be bothered taunting or supporting fellow Mancathletes as they trawled round the course, myself included. Leighton took to his lonely vigil, a man confident from last  years near top finish. Once again the course proved a feeble test of his assault course prowess, hardly needing the rope to jump the second obstacle and back over the finish fence before I’d even finished writing his name. 2min46sec his prize.

Short in stature but huge in commitment Josh was our Veteran Mancathlete Guest Star, attending purely to remind us how it’s done. Hurtling through the first obstacle it was a callous disregard for the seemingly easy rope swing that cost Josh a place in the points. Scrabbling over the wall kicking it into submission he still managed a respectable time of 3min 17sec.

Gavin never looked too keen on this event a Mancathlete big on brawn short on stamina. After attempting a through the wall strategy to no avail he staggered through the tyres and over the final fence to collapse in a world of pain with 4min40sec behind him.

Up next AJ quite validly considered himself a favourite in this event. Setting a blistering pace through the early stages a good time was on the cards, a maverick approach to the rope climb was to prove his unwitting undoing. Turning up late and then fucking around when he got there meant he never heard the law laid down “ no walking across the top cos you’ll likely cane out, break your neck and cost me my job. So just fuckin’ don’t!!”. Assembled Mancathletes at the start line decided on a 5 second compensatory time penalty (our guide sharing the same opinion) and what was a 2min45sec time became 2min50. That 5 seconds costing AJ two spots on the leader board but accepted with a spirit that could only reside in the Mancathlon.

Who was this coke pushing fiend Coop lining up for a guest shot at Mancathlon glory, a damn fast bastard that’s who. Reducing the pain of all those gone before to a cake walk time of 2min35sec there was relief to be felt that this guy was a day only ringer. First place was surely his. Or was it???…..Well yeah it was as Gareth joined the ranks of the middle masses with a time of 3min28seconds.

And so it was a Mancathlon FOB that won the day without the rigors of four events behind him. Don’t think he gets points but, will leave Con to sort out the results…



Jason 6:37  
Brydon   3:45  
Stu         2.48 3rd Place
Shane    4:49  
Thomas  2:38   1st Place
Kirk   3:24   5th Place
Todd  3:27  
Leighton 2:46  2nd Place
Josh     3:17  
Gavin     4:40  
AJ        2:50  4th Place
Coop     2:35   
Gareth 3:28   
Guthrie (10)
Rowe (8)
Agnew (8)
Blight (8)
Price (6.5)
Trail (6)
Keenan (6)
Stevens (5)
Judkins (5)
Marshall (4)
Brooke (3)
Watson (2.5)
Sutton (2)
MacFarlane (1)
Munro (0)
Reynolds (0)
Ballard (0)
Gregg (0)
Potter (0)
Coop (Gold Star)
Short (Beige Star)
The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 5:
Phillip Guthrie, Conrad Blight, Jared Trail, Simon Judkins, Reg Watson, Rockin’ Rodders MacFarlane, Duncan Reynolds & Randall Potter.

The Canuck Roars


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