Event 8: The Race

The Eighth Event of the 2008 Mancathlon – “The Race” – was held in The West on Sunday 9th November and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Simon Watson, Dr Kirk Stevens, Brydon Price, Gareth Ballard, Stuart Brooke, Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Josh Short, Conrad Blight, Shane Munro, Gavin Marshall, Jared Trail, Thomas Rowe, Dr Todd Keenan, Leighton Agnew & Wild Card Caleb Staines. 

One fine day in the Western Suburbs; in a nondescript warehouse down a barren cul-de-sac past knock shops & greasy lunch bars, Fifteen Mancathletes and One Wild Card donned racing suits, hair nets and battered helmets, rubbed talcum powder on their hands, sipped from secreted bottles of Russian Sock Whiskey, visualised the sharp curves of the track, repeated inspirational mantras to themselves softly “I’m the shit…I’m the shit man!”, punched walls in the carpark, bench pressed cinder blocks or snuck off to the bathroom to “relax themselves” prior to “The Race”. The Mancathlon was long overdue for a little Motorsports action. Driving around in circles in one direction for hours at a time and ending up exactly where you started in a bizarre exercise of pointlessness may not seem like the kind of activity engaged in by a man. But hey, tell it to Steve McQueen bitches! Just don’t make him claw his way out if his buried Pontiac and fly over to New Zealand to rough you up some, ‘cos that’ll just make him angry. 

Anyways, inside the warehouse wound several kms of narrow track, brutal corners and treacherously flowing chicanes. And in the pit stop sat an ornery collection of nasty looking old beasts, war-horse Go-Karts that had endured countless years of abuse – constantly revved, constantly skidding and frequently smashing into opponents & obstacles with brutish impact. It was now up to these 15 Mancathletes to navigate these rickety death-traps at speeds of up to 400 kmph around this savage infinity loop. 
The ever-controversial Randomizer had decided the 2 race draws that were issued earlier in the week. Messrs Watson through Short were first up on the block and it was incumbent on these 8 Mancathletes to lay down some serious times on the track, for they would have no right of reply. Each group had 2 practice laps then 2 x 7-Minute Timed Races to get the job done. The only rules of the track were don’t smash the other karts, if you’re too slow pull over for the guy behind you (suuuure) and slow down to walking speed if the yellow lights went on around the track. 
The first group went off like maniacs from the start line, tearassing around the track with slightly frenzied looks of concentration contorting their faces and their hands locked like deathgrips on the shuddering steering wheels. Not a man out there was gonna give inch, nobody was pulling over for noone and slowing down to walking speed was just not going to happen. The race officials seemed to give up, the big fella with the tats throwing down his flag in disgust. From the stands it was pretty hard to tell who was gaining the upper hand, Reg certainly looked the part until he was pulled off and reprimanded for failing to stop or slow down at any stage ever. One thing was sure though, Round 1 rode their karts just as hard as they would ride. Once the two races had elapsed & the racers clambered from them, their karts looked like shadows of their former selves, broken and smoking and talking about the war. Reg’s kart looked especially busted up, great clouds of evaporated clutch & gear particles swirling up from it, his unorthodox technique of simultaneously braking & accelerating at all times had taken it’s toll…
Round 2 came out of the gate with a point to prove – there was no way in hell those Round 1 jabronis were gonna get all those Precious Mancathlon Points. And so they tore off from the starting line, throwing themselves into corners, tearing down straights, muscling past each other in the constant battle for position. Until, Trail got a good nudge on Blight around a corner, sending him spinning out of control around a corner and on went the yellow light. This time round the race officials weren’t taking no for answer, they were reasserting their authority & that yellow light was going on & staying on until every driver on the track was driving at speeds that couldn’t crack an eggshell. And that yellow light seemed to be constantly on. Constantly dammit!
Somehow, someway though the canny Thomas “Bus” Rowe, driving the aggressively comported Kart # 9, managed to scoop that sweet 5-pointer with an impressive average fastest lap speed of 45.23 secs. Followed closely by one Mr AJ Sutton who piloted Kart # 9 across the line in the 1st Group with a blistering average time of 45.72 secs. In the 46 second range were drivers Dr Kirk Stevens, Stuart Brooke and Leighton Agnew all showing skills on the track to become the other points scoring Mancathletes in “The Race”. In summary I would like to conclude that racing shit is fun and that The Mancathlon kicks ass. The End. 
“I feel like I got a pile of cattle chasing my ass, and I’m peddling as hard as I can to stay in front of ’em. I’m looking behind me driving like hell.”
– Rusty Wallace



# Mancathlete Kart # Average Fastest Lap Speed Placing Mancathlon Points
1 Simon Watson 7 47.09 7th  
2 Dr Kirk Stevens 21 46.50 3rd 3
3 Brydon Price 5 46.99 6th  
4 Gareth Ballard 2 49.05 12th  
5 Stuart Brooke 8 46.52 4th 2
6 Simon Judkins 1 48.51 11th  
7 AJ Sutton 9 45.72 2nd 4
8 Josh Short 11 47.82 8th  
9 Conrad Blight 18 49.57 14th  
10 Shane Munro 8 49.21 13th  
11 Gavin Marshall 11 48.07 9th  
12 Jared Trail 21 48.22 10th  
13 Thomas Rowe 9 45.23 1st 5
14 Dr Todd Keenan 19 52.09 16th  
15 Leighton Agnew 2 46.96 5th 1
16 Wild Card C. Staines 5 49.65 15th
Agnew (14)
Rowe (13)
Blight (11)
Price (10.5)
Judkins (10)
Guthrie (10)
Trail (9)
Stevens (8)
Sutton (6)
Brooke (6)
Marshall (6)
Keenan (6)
Short (4)
MacFarlane (3)
Watson (2.5)
Gregg (1)
Munro (0)
Reynolds (0)
Ballard (0)
The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 8:
Duncan Reynolds, Rodney MacFarlane, Jason Gregg & Phillip Guthrie.


Le Gary

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