Event 2: Shootin’

This Weeks Special Guest Report as filed by 1 Time Mancathlete, Videographer to the Stars & Black Belt in Sexual Yoga, Mr Caleb Staines.

The Second Event of the 2008 Mancathlon – “Shootin’”  – was held on Saturday afternoon and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Stuart Brooke, Simon Judkins, Leighton Agnew, Jared Trail, AJ Sutton, Gavin Marshall, Rodney Macfarlane, Randall Potter, Gareth Ballard, Phillip Guthrie, Brydon Price, Duncan Reynolds, Dr Kirk Stevens, Dr Todd Keenan & Thomas Rowe.

When I gained entrance to the outer rooms of the gun club I was struck with how subdued was the atmosphere among the assembled Mancathletes. Naturally, my first thought was that I had just interrupted a conversation about me and my failings as a person. Those two old friends, anger and self-hatred, boiled up in me and I felt my face flush. Fortunately I remembered Father’s advice to me as a young boy and I balled up all those seething emotions and pushed them down into my gut where no one could see them. As I surveyed the room though, seeing none of the usual guilty faces and averted eyes, I began to ponder other possible explanations for the strange mood in the room. Was the presence of the newbloods casting doubt into the usually steady hearts of the stalwarts? Was the absence of Senor Juarez’s guiding hand causing feelings of panic and abandonment, much like the time I wandered off at the 1985 A & P Show at the Hastings Showgrounds and spent a terrifying three hours in a small concrete room beneath the main stands being minded by an old woman so engrossed in knitting a clumpy orange V-neck jumper that she ignored all of my questions about the whereabouts of my parents and what efforts where being made to locate them and but eventually they turned up, Mother hopelessly drunk on complementary cask Chardonnay from the Wrightson’s tent and Father furious, threatening to thrash me with the fibreglass cattleprod he’d bought me to stop me begging to go and see the Angora rabbits. Or was it the heavy smell of cordite in the still air of that underground shooting bunker that unnerved me so?

Trail was all business, filling out forms and doggedly trying to convince the Range Officer to allow the use of the NightForce 8-32x56mm NXS Illuminated Reticle Riflescope which he’d brought along specially. And then it dawned on me. What was missing was that staple of the Mancathlon – smack-talking. Evidently no one wanted to spark off anyone else’s inner OJ with a cruel jibe concerning sexual prowess or athletic abilities when very soon every man in the room would have access to bona-fide firearms. It was clear that this competition would have to be won with steady nerves and a keen eye.

The competitors were admitted to the shooting range proper and the Range Officer gave a briefing on the use of the weapons. It was apparent that some Mancathletes had experience on their side – some were hunters since childhood while others claimed implausibly to have been in the British Infantry. Others were, to me at least, unknowns. Was Ballard a member of the New Zealand Biathlon team? Was the towering Rowe a secret member of the SAS? In fact, where was Rowe? Had he been called away to deal with some impending terrorist threat, sacrificing precious Man-points to defend his country? No, it turned out – he had locked himself in the toilet. I gave up my predictions.

The Mancathletes were divided into two Details and each stepped up to fire their ten practice rounds at the targets twenty-five metres away. Macfarlane looked like a man to watch, while Brydon probably hoped no one was watching him as he failed to hit the black inner target at all. Then the first Detail stepped up to shoot their forty competition rounds. Reynolds quickly abandoned the low elbow-propped stance favoured by most in favour of standing bolt upright. Sutton was quick and confident giving him time to examine the technique of others at the end of each set of ten rounds. The Big Chief and Rowe on the other hand took their own sweet time, still hunched meditatively over their weapons long after the other members of the detail had made their rifles safe.

The second Detail took their positions and began their efforts. I was a non-competing member of the second Detail and was too absorbed in my own shooting to notice any details of this portion of the competition, although I do remember glancing at Guthrie two bays away and wondering how much tantric yoga you have to do to twist yourself up like that without serious pain. And out of the corner of my eye I could sense Rowe & Marshall roaming in circles around the room with faraway gazes in their eyes, muttering “Disco Disco” repeatedly under their breath and absentmindedly moving their hips to some unheard rhythm. 

And suddenly. It was over. The Mancathletes waited patiently for the scores to be tabulated by the Range Officer while Stu Beef did pressups in the parking lot. Here’s how it all panned out dear Ladies & Gentlemen, with sweet, sweet Victory for some and bitter defeat for others, but such is the Nature of the Game…

Phillip Guthrie – 5 points (371 out of a possible 400)

Gavin Marshall – 4 points (368)

Dr Kirk Stevens – 3 points (358)

Dr Todd Keenan – 2 points (351)

Rodney Macfarlane – 1 points (349)

POINTS TABLE [After Two Events]

Keenan (6)

Guthrie (5)

Trail (5)

Marshall (4)

Stevens (3)

Price (2.5)

Watson (2.5)

MacFarlane (1)

Judkins (1)

Brooke (0)

Munro (0)

Agnew (0)

Blight (0)

Reynolds (0)

Sutton (0)

Rowe (0)

Ballard (0)

Gregg (0)

Potter (0)

EVENT 2 PHOTOS

Who Shot Ya?

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1 Response to “Event 2: Shootin’”


  1. 1 Caleb's mother October 5, 2008 at 12:28 am

    This is Caleb’s mother and I would just like to say that it is not true about me being drunk on cask chardonnay. It was definitely Corbans Muller Thurgau. And anyway Caleb was not lost, he was being such a whinger about those rabbits so we left him behind.


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