Event 1: Ghetto Dice

The First Event of the 2008 Mancathlon “Ghetto Dice” was held on a Saturday night in the Ghetto and was attended by the following Mancathletes:
Stuart Brooke, Simon Judkins, Shane Munro, Leighton Agnew, Jared Trail, Conrad Blight, Brydon Price, Duncan Reynolds, Dr Kirk Stevens, Dr Todd Keenan, Jason Gregg & Reg Watson. 
Enshrouded by concrete, bathed in sickly fluorescence and with the booming 808-drum sounds of Rico’s Ghetto Mix Vol’s 1 & 2 rattling their synapses, a dozen Mancathletes old & new gathered to kick off the 2008 Season in style, Hood-style. Garbed in a veritable shit-rainbow of sartorial nastiness & stinking of cheap cologne, the Mancathletes reached into the coolers, grabbed theyselves a tall, frosty Colt-45 with their barnacled hands and got ready to get down to Business! Business in this instance was the accumulation of some serious motherf*ckin’ bank-roll via the fine and noble art of dice rolling. And while some naysayers and dilettantes may say, hold up Senor Rico, do not be ridiculous, this dice-rolling is not a fine competition at all, there is not the skill involved, only the luckiness. I would say to them in return “Screw you Sport, the illusion of control is no illusion”, it is a widely known fact that the longer you shake those dice, the harder you roll them & the more vehemently you shout “Bring them Trips home for Daddy, Bi-aaatch!” the finer your result will be… 
And so, as the Dirty Dozen cradled their 40-oz’s and rocked back and forth on their stolen, mismatched sneakers, eyes darting nervously around their opponents, Mr Juarez proceeded to lay out the groundrules in typically protracted & confusing fashion. Their crack-addled brains lurching tilt-a-whirl from the sudden flood of information, the Mancathletes shuffled towards the flattened cardboard boxes that would provide the newest arena of combat in their quest for Chiefly Glory. In the Brown corner was Stu, Leighton, Conrad, Dr Todd, Jason the Canuck & Big Reg Watson. In the Gold Teeth corner was Simon, Munnas, Jared, Brydon, Duncan & Dr Kirk Stevens. Rico and Trail led the two cliques through a virtual cash round that served to confuse the issue even further and had Reynolds clutching his flashy gangster headband in mental agony, “Are we playing for real money yet!?!”. Later in the tournament when the lightning bolt came that over $170.00 of cold, folding Kiwi Pesos were on the line, the surge of anguish & realisation almost overwhelmed him as he dropped to his knees clawing at the air in frustration and screaming “Why!? Why?!?”. 
And then, it was time for the bullshit to cease, Ice Cube to say peace, and the bankrolls to increase. The dice got to rolling and while the bankers set the pace the other shooters got to fading those bets and hustling to get a little slice of that sweet, sweet pie or even better, to wrestle control of that bankers roll for they own damn selves. Many styles were on display, from the patented & controversial “Trail Slide”, to Reg’s big-leaning “Pornstar Shuffle”, through to Agnew’s delicate touch on the wall as he gently scattered those precious bones like he was lightly drizzling sensual oils on a recumbent nude. Several Mancathletes repeatedly fell prey to their own Colt-45 inspired enthusiasm as sloppy rolls saw their cubes flung wildly against the concrete only to bounce out of the cardboard bounds and clatter impotently across the filthy Ghetto floor, forever dashing those big-money dreams & gold-teeth fantasies. As the cardboard tables ran hot and cold so too did the Mancathletes’ betting strategies; sometimes coming hard with the thunder and trying to make massive plays on the 50-50 and sometimes trying to edge it with small bets designed to claw back and maintain their bankroll. Lady Luck moved buoyantly amongst those hunched and noisy circles, massaging the proceedings with her slippery hands as bankrolls surged up and down in ever increasing arcs until Mancathletes, low on funds & desperate to get back in the game started to make those savage last-minute bets that saw them flung out the backdoor of the game & land back in Reality, broke, destitute & with an empty bottle of Colt their only pitiable solace. 
After two long hours of the old back-and-forth, wheat & chaff had been forever separated by the brutal rending forces of fortune; six Mancathletes had made their way to the Captains Table with big fat stacks of crumpled cash, while Stu Beef, Shane, Leight Doggy Dogg, Blight, Duncan & Dr Kirk had been left cradling their heads in their spade-like hands & weeping softly to themselves. Now it was time for the high-rollers and big arms to play the game, the game that mattered, the game for Precious Mancathlon Points and a filthy wodge of gin-you-wine CASH MONEY. And here’s how that final combat broke down, in the fine and faithful words of a man who lived through it all (somewhat condensed, expanded, exaggerated or played down where applicable…) – 
“Jason the Canadian went down after 5 seconds cos he was not paying attention, busy socializing, didn’t realise the stakes, the true import of Mancathlon points.
Judkins overconfidence f*cked him in the ass, constant reference to the size of his stake, did not quite measure up once the rulers came out.
Dr Todd killed everybody. Dominating furiously. Destroying his opponents ruthlessly and efficiently, one by one, stuffing their stacks into his tight green velour pants and leisurewear, rapidly gaining 20-30 kgs in thousand dollar bills. 
Price kept coming back from the dead, down to 6 bills but via some rash bets crawled his way back to a fat stack, then playing some even rasher bets to exit the game.
Reg employing the chaos theory and advanced random game techniques to keep both his opponents and himself in the dark.
Final show down saw Dr Todd go up against the Beast from the North-East, whose extensive background in Ruakaka speakeasies, gambling pits and sheer dumb luck saw him through to the top spot and the all-important 5-pointer.”
Yep, a fine evening was had by all in the Ghetto. We look forward to Event 2 – Shootin’ in which we welcome back to the fold Veteran Mancathletes such as Sutton & Guthrie, and feature the debut of hungry new players such as Ballard, Rowe & Potter who will be looking to shake this venerable institution to the ground with their unfettered arrogance and athleticism. Word. 
Special mentions are due to Dr Kirk for the Gown and KFC Bucket Ensemble, S. Judkins for the remarkably convincing South Auckland wastrel thing, Dr Todd for repping the Green Man with figure-hugging abandon “Charlie!!!!”, Leighton ‘Skinnyman’ Agnew for that Gold-Teeth Attitude and Messrs Gregg & Reynolds for their day-glo gangster duet. 
Extra special mention to Galbraiths for letting us pump Rico’s Ghetto Mix until we pumped the volume too high and the freakiness of Too-Shorts “Freaky Tales” put the customers off their delicious ales, we apologize for any less than gentlemanly conduct, we love the joint! 
POINTS TABLE [After One Event]
Trail (5)
Keenan (4)
Price (2.5)
Watson (2.5)
Judkins (1)
Brooke (0)
Munro (0)
Agnew (0)
MacFarlane (0)
Blight (0)
Reynolds (0)
Sutton (0)
Rowe (0)
Marshall (0)
Ballard (0)
Stevens (0)
Gregg (0)
Potter (0)
Guthrie (0)
The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 1:
Rodney MacFarlane, AJ Sutton, Thomas Rowe, Gavin Marshall, Gareth Ballard & Randall Potter.
In Other News:
2007 Mancathlete & “Masters” Rower Phillip Guthrie has decided that the New Season’s Roster was ultimately irresistible and has succumbed to the inexorable pull to rejoin the Mighty Contest; he has vowed to prove once & for all that the key to Ultimate Victory is to sport the Hairiest of chests and be clad in the Tightest of lycra wherever possible. 


Road Dogs

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